Throughout the years you not only gain and lose friends but you find or lose yourself. For me, I lost myself and over time had to learn to re-find myself. I've lost many friends over the years. You know theirs that one girl who stole your dessert from your lunch box as a kid so you stopped talking to her, or the boy you thought you liked only to find out your best friend in middle school liked him as well, So you stop talking to her. or in high school when you find out your best friend talked behind your back and called you a slut, slept with your boyfriend or stole from you while hanging out at your house.
We all have lost friends. But we move on. So what happens when you lose a friend and you feel like your world is crashing all around you? Like the world no longer is there and all you see is the four walls of your bedroom and the tear field pages of your diary? What about then? have you experienced that? Have you ever lost a boyfriend or a girlfriend that meant so much to you only to find out that you no longer mean anything to them? These are all relationships that affect us, impact us, and overall change us!
For me, I've had a lot of relationships in my life. Especially these last 4 years. I made friends, lost friends, even bullied a few after we were no longer friends. I've even lost and gained a family. I have made lots of mistakes when it comes to my relationships. Some impacted me more than others.
I had one friend although I didn't know her very long before I felt really close to her. I felt a connection to her that made me trust her and feel comfortable with her. We had a lot in common and I ended up crushing on her. However, some events happened and we started to hate each other. Now we don't speak except on rare occasions. We talked two years ago around Christmas time. Then texted recently for just a short time. Every time I hear from her or we talk it reminds me how we both screwed up and made mistakes and are no longer friends. It's especially hard because when you find someone who you feel you relate to, can talk too, and won't judge you for your past then lose them. Someone who wasn't a therapist or treatment staff! But it's a reminder every time you do talk. I don't know how she felt or feels but I wish I did. Sometimes I want to ask what she really felt when we first bet, before all the shit went down, to how she felt during all the drama, so now years later. But I don't ask. Why? Because I'm afraid of what she will say. How she felt or and feels. That I am alone in how I feel, how I felt.
You see, a relationship can have a huge impact on your life. and some of them affect it longer than others. I lost someone who could have been a really good friend of mine all because of poor choices on both ends. I lost family because of how we live and the choices we choose to make in our lives. My sister and I use to be close but she moved out of town and started to make super poor choices. Now we barely talk because the choices she decided to make changed her. She started to lie to me, treat me like I wasn't her sister but her bank. Lying, complaining, friends, and partying became more important to her. An impact I didn't want in my life. It hurts to lose a sister. Especially one that you were really close to at one point. It's hard when you have some news or just need to talk and you can't talk to your sister. She cares more about what is going on in her life then what is going on in mine when I need to talk. Every time she turns it to herself. And sometimes you just need someone to listen. That's all. Sadly my sister is not one of those people. And that breaks my heart more than anything.
I've also gained a lost friend. I have a friend who I knew practically my whole life. Then I moved and we lost contact. But we have gained it back. We have now been friends again for the second time for almost 4 years. Her kids and my kids hang out. We talk about our husbands, problems, money, our kids etc. She is one friend I can talk to. I know I can tell her anything and she will either give advice back or simply just be an ear to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. She is my best friend. I feel really close to her and enjoy having her in my life. When I am going through hard times she is one person I can count on. One person, I can always go to. She is not just my best friend but my sister!
Over the years I've learned that it comes down to your choices, and how you react to their choices that will determine what happens in that relationship. Relationships are 100/100, not 50/50. If you only put in 50% all you get is 50% but if you put in 100% dedication you will in return get 100% dedication. There are also those rare times even if you put in 100% they only want to put in 30% or 50%. At which point, It's probably time to cut your losses and move one. No matter how hard that may be! And other times those relationships will come around and find you. Sometimes the person wasn't ready for what you had to offer. But in the end, it comes down to you. How much are you going to let a certain relationship impact you? And are you going to let it change, If so.? How much? Because in the end, they control only half of the relationship. The rest, Is up to you!
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