In August of the year 2010, I started school at Utah Valley University but this story isn't about school. This story is about how I met my husband, our biggest struggle, coping, and moving on.
You see me and my husband Shane didn't always have the best relationship. We had a lot of ups and downs these last four years. When Shane and I first met he was in a relationship and I was a lesbian. We met because of a class we had together called "Student Success". In the class, we had to be in a group and do group activities and what not. Shane, Korrin, Jessica, and I were all in a group together. Shane and Korrin wherein a relationship of four years at the time!
At the beginning, we all got along. We hung out, got lunch, went to concerts, and just overall were friends. Then things started to change. Shane started to develop feelings for me while still trying to be with Korrin. And I was going on dates with Shane while having feelings for Korrin. Shane and Korrin started to argue a lot more and Shane and I just became closer. Long story short Shane broke it off with Korrin. And Shane and I started to "date".
When Shane and I started to "date" it was different for both of us. For him, it was dating. He wanted us to be a couple. For me, it was just like being a really good friend all the time. You see, I was lesbian and I the thought of being his girlfriend let alone having sex or being exclusive with him freaked me the hell out. But it didn't take long before I started to develop feelings for him. I could talk to him, express myself, and not care about what he thought of me. October 2nd he asked me, yes asked me, to be his girlfriend and I said yes.
He became my best friend. We did everything together. He would come surprise me at work, stay at my apartment with me, stop playing his games to be with me or take me out. He was a real sweetheart. Not long after we started dating we moved in with each other and we were just really great. However, it didn't stay perfect.
While Shane and I were building a relationship and friendship, Korrin and I started to fight and hate each other. We were real bitches to each other. Shane and Korrin completely stopped talking for some time and I hated Korrin with every ounce of my body. I told Shane that if he ever talked to her again it would be over. The hard thing about this was... he worked where her mom worked and she often visited.
I trusted him to keep his word. To completely kick her out of his life. I had no reason not to trust him. He had never lied to me about anything. Or so I thought... He was lying to me. He lied to me about talking to her behind my back, about seeing her, having physical contact with her, and so much more. I started to see him change, we started to fight and argue and for months he was lying to me about having her back in his life. When I found out what was going on it shattered me.
I completely broke down. It felt like my heart was ripped right of my chest, ripped and torn apart, and shoved right back into my body! I felt disgusted with him, with her, and with myself. How could I trust him again? Why did I trust him to begin with? Why did I give him, A GUY, a try!? I was in total disbelief. I hated him, I hated her, I hate ME! I didn't confront him at first either. I let it boil and rage up inside of me. Constantly questioning him about his job, if he ever thought of her, etc. I started to change and become the crazy women in movies you see where you want to slap the guy and tell him to run! I was that crazy girl.
As things escalated and I finally confronted him about two months after finding out, it went downhill fast. We fought all the time. One day something snapped. I asked him if he ever had physical contact with her and he said yes. He told me what they talked about, where, when, and how often. He told me everything. What he thought when he was around her to why he did it. and I flipped out. I drank till I felt sick. I kept attacking him. Hitting him, running at him with scissors, kicking him in the balls so hard he literally fell to the ground and was gagging for air. I ran into the bathroom and just didn't want to feel anymore. I ended falling back into an old habit... I ended up self-harming that night. Then proceed to lay in the tub full of water. Shane thought I was suicidal and called the cops. That night I ended up in jail for domestic violence.
I spent a week in jail, had to pay a fine, and I was required to do a 12-week program of anger management. Shane and I had a "no contact" order in place for the week I was in jail. That was dropped when I was released. We stayed together but We moved into the apartment under his dad's place with his brother shortly after I got out of jail.
We had a long hard year. The relationship with Korrin was cut off. Neither one of us talked to her anymore. I had become a total bitch to her. So she was then out of the picture. Shane and I struggled. I became an obsessive, controlling, bitch. I wanted... NEEDED to control everything in his life. How he stayed with me at that point in our life I have no idea. We were constantly breaking up and getting back together. I was constantly checking his phone, emails, computer, everything.
In 2011 a year later we were still having a rough patch but had worked through much of the struggle. I still was checking his stuff and wanting to know who he was talking to, what they were talking about and if he was 5 minutes later home I would question him up the wall. I was tearing us apart because I couldn't let go of what he had done. He lied to me, I didn't trust him, but I loved him. I couldn't leave and neither could he. We always come back to each other.
On March 16th of the year, 2012 Shane and I were married. We weren't the best but I wasn't crazy obsessed anymore. We had moved on. Trying to fix what we broke during the last two years. I was learning self-control... again. Although we still had bad arguments our physical fights had lessened especially since on our wedding day I was 11 weeks pregnant with our first child. and that completely changed us!!!!
To Be Continued....
part 2 coming soon.
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