Continued from "Obsession Part 1"
After Shane and I got married we really worked hard on our communication. We wanted to stay together to work things out. We didn't want our child to be raised the way we were raised. I was in out of foster homes never really having a constant parent role in my life and Shane's parents separated when he was 10 years old. We both decided that for our daughter we need to pull our act together and become friends again. We needed to grow up. Act like adults and most importantly... Parents!
So that's what we did. We started to talk about the little things. How our day was and started to ask more about what each other was thinking. We started to do things together again and become close. Were we perfect? God No! We still argued. I was still having a hard time with letting things go. If we got into an argument I would say "you two deserve each other" because I knew that it bothered him and hurt him when I through his ex in his face.
After we had our daughter we became really close. He was my best friend again. after 2 1/2 years, we were friends again. More than that. We were a couple!! We talked about everything. Our past, my abuse, his parents divorcing, his true feelings of having diabetes, being parents, and so much more. We no longer were holding on to what had happened with Korrin. I forgave not only him and her but myself. I had to accept that I had overreacted and gone totally insane. However, there was one thing that kept getting between us... Nudity.
You see after Shane broke up with Korrin, I was his rebound. I felt taken advantage of. I wasn't confident in my body. I hated how I looked compared to the women in porn and in the movies. I hated seeing the naked body anywhere.. even in my own mirror!! I let him control how I felt about my self. That just deepened after I had my daughter. I felt even uglier due to all the stretch marks and fat that now hung down due to carrying a child for 9 months. At the time I didn't see the beauty in the mommy body. I hated every ounce of my physical body and seeing women and even men that were gorgeous and toned just broke me down even more. I limited Shane saying that movies with nudity, games with nudity and porn were no longer allowed. I wasn't going to tolerate that. He fought back. Every time a movie came out and he wanted to see it I would do research on it. If it had nudity in it I wouldn't allow him to see it. If a game had nudity I wouldn't let him install it, all because I felt like shit about myself.
I became obsessed with hiding my body. Making sure I was hidden. I stopped letting him shower with me, letting him see me get dressed, and even to the point of having sex in the dark. I felt beaten down and horrified of my body. I no longer cared about eating, or pleasing my man, or even talking to him. It all came down to my body and covering it up. Then after some time because I felt so bad about my physical body I started to feel like Shane hated it too. Then again.. after finally letting it go.. I started to compare. Constantly asking for reassurance that he still loved me and my body. I could tell that this was driving him crazy. That I was driving him away. But it was like vomit. I couldn't stop myself from asking. From comparing to every woman I saw. So I stopped all the nakedness.
Then I got pregnant again. 10 months ago I got pregnant. I weighed 180 lbs and hated my body. I never got over it and never could lose it. 9 months later I gave birth to my second child, a baby boy. I weighed 230 pounds after I gave birth. I was exclusively breastfeeding and being active due to the fact that my boy ended up in the NICU for a week after he was born. I stopped drinking soda and started to sleep more. I felt good about myself! I was determined to not feel the way I had felt for the last year and a half!
Then I got sick. I was clotting a lot after the delivery of my child. Bleeding to the point of exhaustion. On July 13th at 4 am I got really sick and couldn't breathe. I ended up in the hospital needing emergency surgery! I had to have my gallbladder removed. I was drugged up on painkillers and on a liquid diet and could no longer breastfeed let alone stay awake for more than 2 hrs at the time due to all the drugs I was on. I started to feel like I wasn't going to lose the weight. That this was going to put me back. A week after that surgery I ended up needing a D&C because the clots were so bad that I was having pain. Still bedridden I was worried. I was losing hope.
But Today, 5 weeks later I have lost 35 pounds! Even with all the holdbacks. I actually feel good about myself and my body. I can shower with Shane, change in front of him, and yes.. have sex with the lights on!! Shane and I haven't always been the best couple or even a couple at all. But after letting go of him cheating on me, going through my postpartum depression, having two kids, and finally just loving each other for who we are today, we have become so close. Once again we not only became friends but he became my husband!
Do we still struggle? YES! We have had years of not trusting each other, being scared to talk to each other, afraid of how the other would react that we do still struggle with talking to each other. When it gets to our kids we talk all the time. They are our world. We are always trying to improve them. We communicate the best when it's about our kids. And we are working on talking to each other about everything else.
Even through all the hell, Shane stayed with me. He became my best friend, my worst enemy, my lover, and today he is now my husband! He is more then I could ask for. I am grateful that he stayed through all my crazy psycho girlfriend stage. and because he stayed, because we made it we are stronger for that. We've made it through a lot. We've learned and grown a lot. But most importantly we've learned not only how to love each other, but how to show our love for each other.
If you were to ask me if I would change anything.. yes & no. I believe that we are who we are as a couple today because of everything we went through in the past and everything we are and will go through from now on. The only thing I would change is that I wish through it all that friendships/relationships weren't ruined. A lot of ties were broken off because of the cheating, the controlling, the obsessions, the lies, etc. I lost some good friends because I stopped going out. Shane stopped going out. Ties were broken between friends and family on both sides. That is hard to deal with especially when you are in a rough patch. But a lot of those ties have been rebuilt, some in the process and some are still broken.
I've learned a lot about myself, what I want out of my life, for my kids, in my relationships and overall what makes me happy! I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. Shane will make mistakes. We will disagree but in the end, we always work it out. We don't physically fight anymore. We don't go to bed mad at each other. and We always find a way to work it out and move on.
I am finally happy with where we are at in life. How far we have come. and most importantly how strong I have become due to all of this. I have learned and grown a lot due to everything that I experienced in these last 4 years of being with Shane. And today I can finally say I love my husband faults and all, I love my kids, and I finally love my life just the way it is!
No comments:
Post a Comment