Darkness, emptiness, loneliness, despair! Fear of people, fear of light, fear of seeing, fear of believing, fear of living! He is one thing we all suffer from at one point or another. He haunts us. He surrounds us. He is there when we are sleeping. Even more when we're awake. He takes a hold of us. The more you struggle, the tighter the cuffs become. Chained to the ground, nowhere to go. Locked in a dark room, all alone and scared. He feeds us through a slit in the door, controlling what and who comes and goes. He controls us. He feeds off of our fear. He breaths in our tears. He is depression!
Depression is a bastard. He's the devil in disguise. Depression is the one thing I fear more than anything and face with all the bravery in the world. Depression was my friend. He accompanied me when I would hang out with my friends Mr. Weed and Dr. Vodka. He was there when I met my friend Sr. Meth and he was there when I would have nightly routines with my the one guy I could always count on, De' Razor. Depression was the one thing that kept me together as a kid, a teenager, and even as an adult.
Depression is a scar I will never get rid off. No therapist will help and no medication will treat. Depression is the one thing that was consistent in my life. He was my best friend when everyone else was gone. When my back was stabbed by my lovers or friends. When Mr. Weed ran out or De' Razor was too dull.
What is depression?! Well to me depression comes in many forms and intensities. When I was a kid depression was when I would be hit and learned to no longer feel anything at all. You could hit me over and over again and no tear would fall. No fear came. I learned to go deep into what wasn't real. I learned to let what was happening to disappear and fall deep and deeper into his world. I let the darkness take over. I would then be alone with Depression. I would talk to him, listen to him in my head, and would just get through the day and the abuse that I knew would follow.
As a teenager, it was constantly being in and out of foster homes and treatment centers. It got to the point that I wouldn't unpack my bags. I'd pull a few things out but the rest, the rest would stay in the bags I came with. I wouldn't stay long. No one wanted me. I would be gone in a month or so at the most. And the homes where I did stay long came with their own troubles from other foster kids, or even their own kids. I would fall back into the world of depression when I had to pack my bags and move again. When they would sneak into my room at night, cover my mouth, and tell me to be quiet.
It came when I did drugs, drank, or cut. It was there when I attempted suicide. Depression was a constant friend during my teenage years. I feared him, I hated how he made feel, but I loved what he didn't make me feel and live through. For the longest time, I never had to deal with the rape(s) I went through or the abuse as a kid. I didn't have to deal with knowing that the one person I was supposed to count on raped me night after night all because she married the stepdad. I didn't have to put emotion to the men that came and went or the babysitters that would come, abuse and go.
Now, today, Depression isn't my friend. He hides away what I'm really feeling. He makes me distant from my husband and kids. He tries and tries to pull me back in. To show me what it uses to be like back a few years ago. I see him in the shadows of stomach folds when I look at my body naked in the mirror or in the outer edges of my stretch marks all over my stomach. I see him in the apartment I live in when it's dark and quiet. I see him in the bank account that is followed by a dollar sign and zero. I see him when I look in my closet and see the 4 shirts that fit and the pants that are too small. I see him when I go shopping and break down in tears because I'm odd shaped and nothing fits me right.
Depression is a friend that I don't want back in my life. I struggled with him my whole life and I know that I will always struggle with him. How do I keep him contained today? Easy... I think of how far I have come as a person and in my life. I have two amazing kids, a great husband, and I've got what I need to survive and live. I've learned to look at what I have and not what I want. I focus on the good and deal with the bad as it comes. I've learned to deal with the struggles that life throws at me. I no longer run and hide. I no longer wish for death or meth. And I will no longer let the darkness of Depressions chains surround me. I am me and I am who I am.
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