Throughout the years you not only gain and lose friends but you find or lose yourself. For me, I lost myself and over time had to learn to re-find myself. I've lost many friends over the years. You know theirs that one girl who stole your dessert from your lunch box as a kid so you stopped talking to her, or the boy you thought you liked only to find out your best friend in middle school liked him as well, So you stop talking to her. or in high school when you find out your best friend talked behind your back and called you a slut, slept with your boyfriend or stole from you while hanging out at your house.
We all have lost friends. But we move on. So what happens when you lose a friend and you feel like your world is crashing all around you? Like the world no longer is there and all you see is the four walls of your bedroom and the tear field pages of your diary? What about then? have you experienced that? Have you ever lost a boyfriend or a girlfriend that meant so much to you only to find out that you no longer mean anything to them? These are all relationships that affect us, impact us, and overall change us!
For me, I've had a lot of relationships in my life. Especially these last 4 years. I made friends, lost friends, even bullied a few after we were no longer friends. I've even lost and gained a family. I have made lots of mistakes when it comes to my relationships. Some impacted me more than others.
I had one friend although I didn't know her very long before I felt really close to her. I felt a connection to her that made me trust her and feel comfortable with her. We had a lot in common and I ended up crushing on her. However, some events happened and we started to hate each other. Now we don't speak except on rare occasions. We talked two years ago around Christmas time. Then texted recently for just a short time. Every time I hear from her or we talk it reminds me how we both screwed up and made mistakes and are no longer friends. It's especially hard because when you find someone who you feel you relate to, can talk too, and won't judge you for your past then lose them. Someone who wasn't a therapist or treatment staff! But it's a reminder every time you do talk. I don't know how she felt or feels but I wish I did. Sometimes I want to ask what she really felt when we first bet, before all the shit went down, to how she felt during all the drama, so now years later. But I don't ask. Why? Because I'm afraid of what she will say. How she felt or and feels. That I am alone in how I feel, how I felt.
You see, a relationship can have a huge impact on your life. and some of them affect it longer than others. I lost someone who could have been a really good friend of mine all because of poor choices on both ends. I lost family because of how we live and the choices we choose to make in our lives. My sister and I use to be close but she moved out of town and started to make super poor choices. Now we barely talk because the choices she decided to make changed her. She started to lie to me, treat me like I wasn't her sister but her bank. Lying, complaining, friends, and partying became more important to her. An impact I didn't want in my life. It hurts to lose a sister. Especially one that you were really close to at one point. It's hard when you have some news or just need to talk and you can't talk to your sister. She cares more about what is going on in her life then what is going on in mine when I need to talk. Every time she turns it to herself. And sometimes you just need someone to listen. That's all. Sadly my sister is not one of those people. And that breaks my heart more than anything.
I've also gained a lost friend. I have a friend who I knew practically my whole life. Then I moved and we lost contact. But we have gained it back. We have now been friends again for the second time for almost 4 years. Her kids and my kids hang out. We talk about our husbands, problems, money, our kids etc. She is one friend I can talk to. I know I can tell her anything and she will either give advice back or simply just be an ear to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. She is my best friend. I feel really close to her and enjoy having her in my life. When I am going through hard times she is one person I can count on. One person, I can always go to. She is not just my best friend but my sister!
Over the years I've learned that it comes down to your choices, and how you react to their choices that will determine what happens in that relationship. Relationships are 100/100, not 50/50. If you only put in 50% all you get is 50% but if you put in 100% dedication you will in return get 100% dedication. There are also those rare times even if you put in 100% they only want to put in 30% or 50%. At which point, It's probably time to cut your losses and move one. No matter how hard that may be! And other times those relationships will come around and find you. Sometimes the person wasn't ready for what you had to offer. But in the end, it comes down to you. How much are you going to let a certain relationship impact you? And are you going to let it change, If so.? How much? Because in the end, they control only half of the relationship. The rest, Is up to you!
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Obsession Part 2
Continued from "Obsession Part 1"
After Shane and I got married we really worked hard on our communication. We wanted to stay together to work things out. We didn't want our child to be raised the way we were raised. I was in out of foster homes never really having a constant parent role in my life and Shane's parents separated when he was 10 years old. We both decided that for our daughter we need to pull our act together and become friends again. We needed to grow up. Act like adults and most importantly... Parents!
So that's what we did. We started to talk about the little things. How our day was and started to ask more about what each other was thinking. We started to do things together again and become close. Were we perfect? God No! We still argued. I was still having a hard time with letting things go. If we got into an argument I would say "you two deserve each other" because I knew that it bothered him and hurt him when I through his ex in his face.
After we had our daughter we became really close. He was my best friend again. after 2 1/2 years, we were friends again. More than that. We were a couple!! We talked about everything. Our past, my abuse, his parents divorcing, his true feelings of having diabetes, being parents, and so much more. We no longer were holding on to what had happened with Korrin. I forgave not only him and her but myself. I had to accept that I had overreacted and gone totally insane. However, there was one thing that kept getting between us... Nudity.
You see after Shane broke up with Korrin, I was his rebound. I felt taken advantage of. I wasn't confident in my body. I hated how I looked compared to the women in porn and in the movies. I hated seeing the naked body anywhere.. even in my own mirror!! I let him control how I felt about my self. That just deepened after I had my daughter. I felt even uglier due to all the stretch marks and fat that now hung down due to carrying a child for 9 months. At the time I didn't see the beauty in the mommy body. I hated every ounce of my physical body and seeing women and even men that were gorgeous and toned just broke me down even more. I limited Shane saying that movies with nudity, games with nudity and porn were no longer allowed. I wasn't going to tolerate that. He fought back. Every time a movie came out and he wanted to see it I would do research on it. If it had nudity in it I wouldn't allow him to see it. If a game had nudity I wouldn't let him install it, all because I felt like shit about myself.
I became obsessed with hiding my body. Making sure I was hidden. I stopped letting him shower with me, letting him see me get dressed, and even to the point of having sex in the dark. I felt beaten down and horrified of my body. I no longer cared about eating, or pleasing my man, or even talking to him. It all came down to my body and covering it up. Then after some time because I felt so bad about my physical body I started to feel like Shane hated it too. Then again.. after finally letting it go.. I started to compare. Constantly asking for reassurance that he still loved me and my body. I could tell that this was driving him crazy. That I was driving him away. But it was like vomit. I couldn't stop myself from asking. From comparing to every woman I saw. So I stopped all the nakedness.
Then I got pregnant again. 10 months ago I got pregnant. I weighed 180 lbs and hated my body. I never got over it and never could lose it. 9 months later I gave birth to my second child, a baby boy. I weighed 230 pounds after I gave birth. I was exclusively breastfeeding and being active due to the fact that my boy ended up in the NICU for a week after he was born. I stopped drinking soda and started to sleep more. I felt good about myself! I was determined to not feel the way I had felt for the last year and a half!
Then I got sick. I was clotting a lot after the delivery of my child. Bleeding to the point of exhaustion. On July 13th at 4 am I got really sick and couldn't breathe. I ended up in the hospital needing emergency surgery! I had to have my gallbladder removed. I was drugged up on painkillers and on a liquid diet and could no longer breastfeed let alone stay awake for more than 2 hrs at the time due to all the drugs I was on. I started to feel like I wasn't going to lose the weight. That this was going to put me back. A week after that surgery I ended up needing a D&C because the clots were so bad that I was having pain. Still bedridden I was worried. I was losing hope.
But Today, 5 weeks later I have lost 35 pounds! Even with all the holdbacks. I actually feel good about myself and my body. I can shower with Shane, change in front of him, and yes.. have sex with the lights on!! Shane and I haven't always been the best couple or even a couple at all. But after letting go of him cheating on me, going through my postpartum depression, having two kids, and finally just loving each other for who we are today, we have become so close. Once again we not only became friends but he became my husband!
Do we still struggle? YES! We have had years of not trusting each other, being scared to talk to each other, afraid of how the other would react that we do still struggle with talking to each other. When it gets to our kids we talk all the time. They are our world. We are always trying to improve them. We communicate the best when it's about our kids. And we are working on talking to each other about everything else.
Even through all the hell, Shane stayed with me. He became my best friend, my worst enemy, my lover, and today he is now my husband! He is more then I could ask for. I am grateful that he stayed through all my crazy psycho girlfriend stage. and because he stayed, because we made it we are stronger for that. We've made it through a lot. We've learned and grown a lot. But most importantly we've learned not only how to love each other, but how to show our love for each other.
If you were to ask me if I would change anything.. yes & no. I believe that we are who we are as a couple today because of everything we went through in the past and everything we are and will go through from now on. The only thing I would change is that I wish through it all that friendships/relationships weren't ruined. A lot of ties were broken off because of the cheating, the controlling, the obsessions, the lies, etc. I lost some good friends because I stopped going out. Shane stopped going out. Ties were broken between friends and family on both sides. That is hard to deal with especially when you are in a rough patch. But a lot of those ties have been rebuilt, some in the process and some are still broken.
I've learned a lot about myself, what I want out of my life, for my kids, in my relationships and overall what makes me happy! I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. Shane will make mistakes. We will disagree but in the end, we always work it out. We don't physically fight anymore. We don't go to bed mad at each other. and We always find a way to work it out and move on.
I am finally happy with where we are at in life. How far we have come. and most importantly how strong I have become due to all of this. I have learned and grown a lot due to everything that I experienced in these last 4 years of being with Shane. And today I can finally say I love my husband faults and all, I love my kids, and I finally love my life just the way it is!
After Shane and I got married we really worked hard on our communication. We wanted to stay together to work things out. We didn't want our child to be raised the way we were raised. I was in out of foster homes never really having a constant parent role in my life and Shane's parents separated when he was 10 years old. We both decided that for our daughter we need to pull our act together and become friends again. We needed to grow up. Act like adults and most importantly... Parents!
So that's what we did. We started to talk about the little things. How our day was and started to ask more about what each other was thinking. We started to do things together again and become close. Were we perfect? God No! We still argued. I was still having a hard time with letting things go. If we got into an argument I would say "you two deserve each other" because I knew that it bothered him and hurt him when I through his ex in his face.
After we had our daughter we became really close. He was my best friend again. after 2 1/2 years, we were friends again. More than that. We were a couple!! We talked about everything. Our past, my abuse, his parents divorcing, his true feelings of having diabetes, being parents, and so much more. We no longer were holding on to what had happened with Korrin. I forgave not only him and her but myself. I had to accept that I had overreacted and gone totally insane. However, there was one thing that kept getting between us... Nudity.
You see after Shane broke up with Korrin, I was his rebound. I felt taken advantage of. I wasn't confident in my body. I hated how I looked compared to the women in porn and in the movies. I hated seeing the naked body anywhere.. even in my own mirror!! I let him control how I felt about my self. That just deepened after I had my daughter. I felt even uglier due to all the stretch marks and fat that now hung down due to carrying a child for 9 months. At the time I didn't see the beauty in the mommy body. I hated every ounce of my physical body and seeing women and even men that were gorgeous and toned just broke me down even more. I limited Shane saying that movies with nudity, games with nudity and porn were no longer allowed. I wasn't going to tolerate that. He fought back. Every time a movie came out and he wanted to see it I would do research on it. If it had nudity in it I wouldn't allow him to see it. If a game had nudity I wouldn't let him install it, all because I felt like shit about myself.
I became obsessed with hiding my body. Making sure I was hidden. I stopped letting him shower with me, letting him see me get dressed, and even to the point of having sex in the dark. I felt beaten down and horrified of my body. I no longer cared about eating, or pleasing my man, or even talking to him. It all came down to my body and covering it up. Then after some time because I felt so bad about my physical body I started to feel like Shane hated it too. Then again.. after finally letting it go.. I started to compare. Constantly asking for reassurance that he still loved me and my body. I could tell that this was driving him crazy. That I was driving him away. But it was like vomit. I couldn't stop myself from asking. From comparing to every woman I saw. So I stopped all the nakedness.
Then I got pregnant again. 10 months ago I got pregnant. I weighed 180 lbs and hated my body. I never got over it and never could lose it. 9 months later I gave birth to my second child, a baby boy. I weighed 230 pounds after I gave birth. I was exclusively breastfeeding and being active due to the fact that my boy ended up in the NICU for a week after he was born. I stopped drinking soda and started to sleep more. I felt good about myself! I was determined to not feel the way I had felt for the last year and a half!
Then I got sick. I was clotting a lot after the delivery of my child. Bleeding to the point of exhaustion. On July 13th at 4 am I got really sick and couldn't breathe. I ended up in the hospital needing emergency surgery! I had to have my gallbladder removed. I was drugged up on painkillers and on a liquid diet and could no longer breastfeed let alone stay awake for more than 2 hrs at the time due to all the drugs I was on. I started to feel like I wasn't going to lose the weight. That this was going to put me back. A week after that surgery I ended up needing a D&C because the clots were so bad that I was having pain. Still bedridden I was worried. I was losing hope.
But Today, 5 weeks later I have lost 35 pounds! Even with all the holdbacks. I actually feel good about myself and my body. I can shower with Shane, change in front of him, and yes.. have sex with the lights on!! Shane and I haven't always been the best couple or even a couple at all. But after letting go of him cheating on me, going through my postpartum depression, having two kids, and finally just loving each other for who we are today, we have become so close. Once again we not only became friends but he became my husband!
Do we still struggle? YES! We have had years of not trusting each other, being scared to talk to each other, afraid of how the other would react that we do still struggle with talking to each other. When it gets to our kids we talk all the time. They are our world. We are always trying to improve them. We communicate the best when it's about our kids. And we are working on talking to each other about everything else.
Even through all the hell, Shane stayed with me. He became my best friend, my worst enemy, my lover, and today he is now my husband! He is more then I could ask for. I am grateful that he stayed through all my crazy psycho girlfriend stage. and because he stayed, because we made it we are stronger for that. We've made it through a lot. We've learned and grown a lot. But most importantly we've learned not only how to love each other, but how to show our love for each other.
If you were to ask me if I would change anything.. yes & no. I believe that we are who we are as a couple today because of everything we went through in the past and everything we are and will go through from now on. The only thing I would change is that I wish through it all that friendships/relationships weren't ruined. A lot of ties were broken off because of the cheating, the controlling, the obsessions, the lies, etc. I lost some good friends because I stopped going out. Shane stopped going out. Ties were broken between friends and family on both sides. That is hard to deal with especially when you are in a rough patch. But a lot of those ties have been rebuilt, some in the process and some are still broken.
I've learned a lot about myself, what I want out of my life, for my kids, in my relationships and overall what makes me happy! I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. Shane will make mistakes. We will disagree but in the end, we always work it out. We don't physically fight anymore. We don't go to bed mad at each other. and We always find a way to work it out and move on.
I am finally happy with where we are at in life. How far we have come. and most importantly how strong I have become due to all of this. I have learned and grown a lot due to everything that I experienced in these last 4 years of being with Shane. And today I can finally say I love my husband faults and all, I love my kids, and I finally love my life just the way it is!
Obsession Part 1
In August of the year 2010, I started school at Utah Valley University but this story isn't about school. This story is about how I met my husband, our biggest struggle, coping, and moving on.
You see me and my husband Shane didn't always have the best relationship. We had a lot of ups and downs these last four years. When Shane and I first met he was in a relationship and I was a lesbian. We met because of a class we had together called "Student Success". In the class, we had to be in a group and do group activities and what not. Shane, Korrin, Jessica, and I were all in a group together. Shane and Korrin wherein a relationship of four years at the time!
At the beginning, we all got along. We hung out, got lunch, went to concerts, and just overall were friends. Then things started to change. Shane started to develop feelings for me while still trying to be with Korrin. And I was going on dates with Shane while having feelings for Korrin. Shane and Korrin started to argue a lot more and Shane and I just became closer. Long story short Shane broke it off with Korrin. And Shane and I started to "date".
When Shane and I started to "date" it was different for both of us. For him, it was dating. He wanted us to be a couple. For me, it was just like being a really good friend all the time. You see, I was lesbian and I the thought of being his girlfriend let alone having sex or being exclusive with him freaked me the hell out. But it didn't take long before I started to develop feelings for him. I could talk to him, express myself, and not care about what he thought of me. October 2nd he asked me, yes asked me, to be his girlfriend and I said yes.
He became my best friend. We did everything together. He would come surprise me at work, stay at my apartment with me, stop playing his games to be with me or take me out. He was a real sweetheart. Not long after we started dating we moved in with each other and we were just really great. However, it didn't stay perfect.
While Shane and I were building a relationship and friendship, Korrin and I started to fight and hate each other. We were real bitches to each other. Shane and Korrin completely stopped talking for some time and I hated Korrin with every ounce of my body. I told Shane that if he ever talked to her again it would be over. The hard thing about this was... he worked where her mom worked and she often visited.
I trusted him to keep his word. To completely kick her out of his life. I had no reason not to trust him. He had never lied to me about anything. Or so I thought... He was lying to me. He lied to me about talking to her behind my back, about seeing her, having physical contact with her, and so much more. I started to see him change, we started to fight and argue and for months he was lying to me about having her back in his life. When I found out what was going on it shattered me.
I completely broke down. It felt like my heart was ripped right of my chest, ripped and torn apart, and shoved right back into my body! I felt disgusted with him, with her, and with myself. How could I trust him again? Why did I trust him to begin with? Why did I give him, A GUY, a try!? I was in total disbelief. I hated him, I hated her, I hate ME! I didn't confront him at first either. I let it boil and rage up inside of me. Constantly questioning him about his job, if he ever thought of her, etc. I started to change and become the crazy women in movies you see where you want to slap the guy and tell him to run! I was that crazy girl.
As things escalated and I finally confronted him about two months after finding out, it went downhill fast. We fought all the time. One day something snapped. I asked him if he ever had physical contact with her and he said yes. He told me what they talked about, where, when, and how often. He told me everything. What he thought when he was around her to why he did it. and I flipped out. I drank till I felt sick. I kept attacking him. Hitting him, running at him with scissors, kicking him in the balls so hard he literally fell to the ground and was gagging for air. I ran into the bathroom and just didn't want to feel anymore. I ended falling back into an old habit... I ended up self-harming that night. Then proceed to lay in the tub full of water. Shane thought I was suicidal and called the cops. That night I ended up in jail for domestic violence.
I spent a week in jail, had to pay a fine, and I was required to do a 12-week program of anger management. Shane and I had a "no contact" order in place for the week I was in jail. That was dropped when I was released. We stayed together but We moved into the apartment under his dad's place with his brother shortly after I got out of jail.
We had a long hard year. The relationship with Korrin was cut off. Neither one of us talked to her anymore. I had become a total bitch to her. So she was then out of the picture. Shane and I struggled. I became an obsessive, controlling, bitch. I wanted... NEEDED to control everything in his life. How he stayed with me at that point in our life I have no idea. We were constantly breaking up and getting back together. I was constantly checking his phone, emails, computer, everything.
In 2011 a year later we were still having a rough patch but had worked through much of the struggle. I still was checking his stuff and wanting to know who he was talking to, what they were talking about and if he was 5 minutes later home I would question him up the wall. I was tearing us apart because I couldn't let go of what he had done. He lied to me, I didn't trust him, but I loved him. I couldn't leave and neither could he. We always come back to each other.
On March 16th of the year, 2012 Shane and I were married. We weren't the best but I wasn't crazy obsessed anymore. We had moved on. Trying to fix what we broke during the last two years. I was learning self-control... again. Although we still had bad arguments our physical fights had lessened especially since on our wedding day I was 11 weeks pregnant with our first child. and that completely changed us!!!!
To Be Continued....
part 2 coming soon.
You see me and my husband Shane didn't always have the best relationship. We had a lot of ups and downs these last four years. When Shane and I first met he was in a relationship and I was a lesbian. We met because of a class we had together called "Student Success". In the class, we had to be in a group and do group activities and what not. Shane, Korrin, Jessica, and I were all in a group together. Shane and Korrin wherein a relationship of four years at the time!
At the beginning, we all got along. We hung out, got lunch, went to concerts, and just overall were friends. Then things started to change. Shane started to develop feelings for me while still trying to be with Korrin. And I was going on dates with Shane while having feelings for Korrin. Shane and Korrin started to argue a lot more and Shane and I just became closer. Long story short Shane broke it off with Korrin. And Shane and I started to "date".
When Shane and I started to "date" it was different for both of us. For him, it was dating. He wanted us to be a couple. For me, it was just like being a really good friend all the time. You see, I was lesbian and I the thought of being his girlfriend let alone having sex or being exclusive with him freaked me the hell out. But it didn't take long before I started to develop feelings for him. I could talk to him, express myself, and not care about what he thought of me. October 2nd he asked me, yes asked me, to be his girlfriend and I said yes.
He became my best friend. We did everything together. He would come surprise me at work, stay at my apartment with me, stop playing his games to be with me or take me out. He was a real sweetheart. Not long after we started dating we moved in with each other and we were just really great. However, it didn't stay perfect.
While Shane and I were building a relationship and friendship, Korrin and I started to fight and hate each other. We were real bitches to each other. Shane and Korrin completely stopped talking for some time and I hated Korrin with every ounce of my body. I told Shane that if he ever talked to her again it would be over. The hard thing about this was... he worked where her mom worked and she often visited.
I trusted him to keep his word. To completely kick her out of his life. I had no reason not to trust him. He had never lied to me about anything. Or so I thought... He was lying to me. He lied to me about talking to her behind my back, about seeing her, having physical contact with her, and so much more. I started to see him change, we started to fight and argue and for months he was lying to me about having her back in his life. When I found out what was going on it shattered me.
I completely broke down. It felt like my heart was ripped right of my chest, ripped and torn apart, and shoved right back into my body! I felt disgusted with him, with her, and with myself. How could I trust him again? Why did I trust him to begin with? Why did I give him, A GUY, a try!? I was in total disbelief. I hated him, I hated her, I hate ME! I didn't confront him at first either. I let it boil and rage up inside of me. Constantly questioning him about his job, if he ever thought of her, etc. I started to change and become the crazy women in movies you see where you want to slap the guy and tell him to run! I was that crazy girl.
As things escalated and I finally confronted him about two months after finding out, it went downhill fast. We fought all the time. One day something snapped. I asked him if he ever had physical contact with her and he said yes. He told me what they talked about, where, when, and how often. He told me everything. What he thought when he was around her to why he did it. and I flipped out. I drank till I felt sick. I kept attacking him. Hitting him, running at him with scissors, kicking him in the balls so hard he literally fell to the ground and was gagging for air. I ran into the bathroom and just didn't want to feel anymore. I ended falling back into an old habit... I ended up self-harming that night. Then proceed to lay in the tub full of water. Shane thought I was suicidal and called the cops. That night I ended up in jail for domestic violence.
I spent a week in jail, had to pay a fine, and I was required to do a 12-week program of anger management. Shane and I had a "no contact" order in place for the week I was in jail. That was dropped when I was released. We stayed together but We moved into the apartment under his dad's place with his brother shortly after I got out of jail.
We had a long hard year. The relationship with Korrin was cut off. Neither one of us talked to her anymore. I had become a total bitch to her. So she was then out of the picture. Shane and I struggled. I became an obsessive, controlling, bitch. I wanted... NEEDED to control everything in his life. How he stayed with me at that point in our life I have no idea. We were constantly breaking up and getting back together. I was constantly checking his phone, emails, computer, everything.
In 2011 a year later we were still having a rough patch but had worked through much of the struggle. I still was checking his stuff and wanting to know who he was talking to, what they were talking about and if he was 5 minutes later home I would question him up the wall. I was tearing us apart because I couldn't let go of what he had done. He lied to me, I didn't trust him, but I loved him. I couldn't leave and neither could he. We always come back to each other.
On March 16th of the year, 2012 Shane and I were married. We weren't the best but I wasn't crazy obsessed anymore. We had moved on. Trying to fix what we broke during the last two years. I was learning self-control... again. Although we still had bad arguments our physical fights had lessened especially since on our wedding day I was 11 weeks pregnant with our first child. and that completely changed us!!!!
To Be Continued....
part 2 coming soon.
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