Well, I've dealt with my past in a variety of ways. Some good and some bad. I have resulted in life-threatening ways and some that really saved my life. I will start off by sharing some of the negative ways I coped with everything then I will go into the positive ways I dealt with everything.
There were two things that made me escape everything that was happening to me until they became out of control... Drugs and Sex. I started out small. Drinking what my bio mom had in the house to smoking pot at friends homes and even behind my schools.
I started with weed and eventually went to a more drastic substance.. started meth. I would sneak out of both my bio home and my foster homes to go to parties to get wasted. I never felt anything when I was drunk or high. I never had to worry about who I was, what I was going to become, or any of those questions. I was able to be whoever alcohol wanted me to be. I could fly, I could dance on a table top with no care in the world. I became nobody while at the same time becoming somebody!
It didn't stop there. Sex became another way to escape. With sex, it was movement and freedom. I didn't have to feel pain or hurt but rather pleasure and excitement. I wouldn't feel abused or used but wanted and loved.
I used my body and drugs to feel what I felt like I was missing. Happiness, love, most of all to smile. I thought doing all this was the way to do it. Numb it all out but I was wrong. All the negative ways I coped where all wrong. I wasn't hiding or escaping to feel something more but to prove that I was still human. That the world around me wasn't all out of my control. However, even with the drugs and the sex, I did lose that. I was completely and utterly out of control!
I would fight and run away. Not do my homework or throw tantrums in class. All to be in control. Because that's what I thought it was. I tried to control as much of my life as I could. And I destroyed it in the process.
I ended up in treatment and rehabs. I had been in 3 inpatient treatment/rehab facilities from 15-18 years of age. When I was 18 I graduated from the final treatment center. The Utah State Hospital. I was there for almost a year and ended up graduating. I was no longer on drugs or drinking since I was 15. But I started to do other things while in foster care. I started to self-harm, I stopped eating, and I also attempted suicide.
I wanted to feel greater than I was while wanting to feel nothing at all. All these things did that for me... BUT only temporarily. They were never a complete success and for that I am grateful. If it wasn't for the people in my life and those friends who told me or called the cops to save my life. For the foster homes, treatment staff, I wouldn't be here today. I hated all of them at the time of course.
"Why would you stop me?!" "I just want to die!" "No one cares about me!" but in reality, they all cared about me. They all wanted me to be here, to live... I wanted to be here!
It wasn't all bad. I danced to feel free. To feel the beat under my feet, to feel the rhythm dance around me like a mid-summer day. Dancing helped me to feel free! I became someone else when I danced. I wasn't scared or numb. I wasn't running or hiding. And in some instances, I felt everything. I danced with the anger of what they did to me. With the fear of becoming just like my bio mom. Losing everything I wanted to be. I danced with my heart!
I also became more artistic. I drew many things from Disney characters to real life people. I drew pictures to represent pain and sorrow, joy and happiness. I still draw to this day. Not as much as I use to but I still love it.
Everything I did to cope I did it because I thought it would help. I know that there a lot of people out there who say that people who do drugs, cut, go anorexic, or even attempted or succeed in suicide are doing/did it for attention but that is not always the case. It does give attention but not everyone is asking for it. Sometimes it's done because even for the smallest simplest of moments everything is okay. You are alive, you are in control! NO, I am NOT saying by any means that any of the above situations are okay because they are not! They deserve to be brought up and raised to attention. These kids, teenagers, and yes even adults just want to feel something else. To not feel the pain of the bully at school, or the abuse at home but to feel alive, to feel free to simply... feel in CONTROL even if for just a SECOND!!
I know now that everything I did was wrong. And I wish now that I would have found other ways to cope. To not lose those friends that did make me strong and that did tell me when I was harming myself or totally drugged up. It's because of those people that I am still here today. Am I perfect?! GOD NO! I am nowhere near perfect. But I am glad that I am here today. That I had so many people in my life who cared enough about me to be here.
If you know of someone who is being abused, bullied or suffering PLEASE do not be afraid to STAND UP for them. & If you know someone who is self-harming, not eating, throwing up, or shows signs or talks about suicide DO NOT push it aside. ALWAYS TELL SOMEONE! Because YOU could be the person they thank 10 years down the road! The person they could be writing about. The person they see as a HERO in their eyes for they are still here today! Don't be a STAND-BY but the one who STANDS UP!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
call 24/7 at 1-(800)-273-8255 for a skilled professional in your area
*You can call this line if you or someone you know is in a crisis call for more information.*
National Child Abuse Hotline:
http://www.childhelp.org/pages/hotline-home
call 24/7 at 1-(800)-422-4453 for a skilled professional
*You can call this line if you know of a child in need of help. To get advice. To cope as a victim, or for more information.*
RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT
http://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/0001302
**Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)
Call 24/7 at (800) 656-HOPE (4673)
**Abuse Victim Hotline
Call 24/7 at (866) 662-4535
Call 24/7 at (866) 662-4535
National Help Line for Substance Abuse
http://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/0001302
Call 24/7 at (800) 262-2463
Call 24/7 at (800) 262-2463
*This website (http://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/0001302) also as numbers for other instances such as Alcohol, Pregnancy, Medical, Running away, and many others.*
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