Raped, assaulted, and used
I have been a toy
chained, knifed, held by gunpoint.
With the slit of my wrist
or a pop of a pill
my sorrow and pain
I watch them get torn away
Sex and drugs became my outlet
the teenager years fade together
my future must be set
a prison would be my forever
Foster homes came and went
my bags stayed tightly packed
With eyes in the back of my head
I knew I could never slack
For my destiny was set
An abused child
with no more tears to shed
A foster home brat was my bed
The drugs came deeper
Speedballs were all the rage
Smoking was the craze
Numbness was the game.
Still broken and bruised
I allowed myself to slip
Over and over again
I let them all win
I deserved this
I did it to myself
I learned to just lay down and take it
like a good girl I was
Another fix another slit
I knew no one could save me
I could barely save myself
as adulthood crept closer in
College became a joke
With a boy and a girl
Just a triangle game
just another escape
No more drugs
No more marks
Still broken and bruised
Sex stayed apart of my game
10 years later
still a damaged soul
with a family of my own
depression stayed my friend
I can't take it anymore
living a lie
hidden rapes no one knows
the pain that hides inside
With a razor blade in my hand
I slight my wrist again
relief and pain
why am I doing this again?
the pills come
the breath of relief
the blood drips
I think I am free
Depression wins
or so I think
With a quick swallow
I will end what is left
I awake to the lights and sounds
laying in a bed
I want to escape
to just run away
The DR's talk
the family whisper
I am still dying inside
but no one knows why
I release all my secrets
breaking down to tears
I am broken and bruised
still holding on to what I believe to be true
I am almost 30
didn't think I'd make it this far
It's time to start living
time to set the bar
No more pills or slits of the wrist
and although I may be bruised
I am not broken
or ashamed
I now see the light
taking it one day at a time
trying to survive
I will continue to fight.
- MonikahMay 2019
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