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I have been beaten, broken, bruised

Raped, assaulted, and used

I have been a toy

chained, knifed, held by gunpoint.  

With the slit of my wrist 

or a pop of a pill

my sorrow and pain

I watch them get torn away

Sex and drugs became my outlet

the teenager years fade together

my future must be set

a prison would be my forever

Foster homes came and went

my bags stayed tightly packed

With eyes in the back of my head

I knew I could never slack

For my destiny was set

An abused child 

with no more tears to shed

A foster home brat was my bed

The drugs came deeper

Speedballs were all the rage

Smoking was the craze

Numbness was the game. 

Still broken and bruised

I allowed myself to slip

Over and over again

I let them all win

I deserved this 

I did it to myself 

I learned to just lay down and take it

like a good girl I was

Another fix another slit 

I knew no one could save me

I could barely save myself

as adulthood crept closer in

College became a joke 

With a boy and a girl

Just a triangle game

just another escape

No more drugs

No more marks

Still broken and bruised

Sex stayed apart of my game

10 years later 

still a damaged soul

with a family of my own

depression stayed my friend

I can't take it anymore

living a lie

hidden rapes no one knows

the pain that hides inside

With a razor blade in my hand

I slight my wrist again

relief and pain

why am I doing this again?

the pills come

the breath of relief

the blood drips

I think I am free

Depression wins

or so I think

With a quick swallow

I will end what is left

I awake to the lights and sounds

laying in a bed

I want to escape

to just run away

The DR's talk

the family whisper

I am still dying inside

but no one knows why 

I release all my secrets

breaking down to tears

I am broken and bruised

still holding on to what I believe to be true

I am almost 30

didn't think I'd make it this far

It's time to start living

time to set the bar

No more pills or slits of the wrist

and although I may be bruised

I am not broken

or ashamed

I now see the light 

taking it one day at a time

trying to survive

I will continue to fight.

 

- MonikahMay 2019

Death to Life : the day I attempted suicide to the day I started to live

On January 24th, 2019 my life changed forever. On this day at 10 pm, I attempted to take my life. I overdosed on 3 different types of pills totally at just over 100 plus pills. The paramedics saved my life by keeping me breathing and although weak, a pulse. At the hospital, I stopped breathing. 3x I died and was brought back. After the 3rd time, I was unable to breathe on my own. So I was put on a breathing machine for 3 days. I woke on day 4. Mad, angry, sad, ashamed, wishing I was dead but glad I wasn't. I was so confused and I felt extremely alone. I want to disappear. After 4 days in the ICU, I was taken to general for almost 4 more days due to a 104-degree fever before being sent to an inpatient facility. I stayed at the inpatient hospital for 8 days before I was allowed to come home.

At the time of the suicide attempt, I felt confused, alone, like a burden, hopeless, and like everyone in my life would be better off if I was dead. I couldn't breathe, I was drowning. I was far down into my depression that I could only see darkness and I couldn't feel anything but the water surrounding me at the deepest part of the ocean. I was cold. I was scared. I was in so much pain, all I wanted was for the pain to end. To be numb.

I felt calm and happy at the time of the suicide attempt. I wanted to die. I wanted to stop the pain and the breathing because at that time I was fighting to survive, to breathe, to smile, be happy, just to be alive.

I got out and things started to turn for the better. I got on meds. I started to see the light. I was able to breathe and smile. I was still struggling. Still self-harming. Still suicidal. But I was fighting. I had to try to live. That's when I decided to do one thing I had always wanted to do because hell, I just tried to kill myself so why not put everything into one thing. So I decided to look into being an EMT.  Within a week of my decision, I was CPR, First Aid and AED certified. I was determined to be an EMT. I want to be the best EMT I can be.

And then my world crashed around me again. On March 17th, 2019 at 11:30 pm, I was raped by a friend of 3 years. With my neck bruised and the soft tissue damaged from him choking me to the raw painful feeling of peeing, I hated myself. I felt crushed and stupid like I had done something wrong. Once again I couldn't breathe. I cried all the way home. I got home and ran into my husband's arms and told him everything that had happened. He held me in anger. Not at me but at the guy who had just shattered his wife. I felt like everything I had worked so hard for over the last month and a half was just ruined. He took everything from me and I didn't have much to give. I felt so damn broken.

I did a rape kit, filed a report and went back to inpatient because all I wanted to do was plunge a knife into my neck. I wanted to die all over again. I spent 6 days in the inpatient hospital I was previously at. I was able to talk about the rape and my feelings and just let everything out. I met some life long friends. I got the support I needed. And I came home to a strong support system. I have fought to get better after my suicide attempt and I have already given up so much power and control throughout my life, I wasn't going to give away any more.

I have nightmares. I still can't breathe. I still feel overwhelming sadness. But I am alive. I will keep fighting. I start EMT school on April 9th, 2019 and I am so excited. I will not give my depression or my rapist the power they want. I deserve to be happy and for once I am going to keep fighting for me.