The Past and how it became known...

     I'm not one to hide away. To keep things a secret. However, I wasn't always this way. When I was 14 I came out with something that had happened to me when I was a kid. It was the scariest most horrifying thing I had ever done. I remember the day like it was yesterday...

     I had just got done having a "home visit" with my Biological mom. (I was in Foster Care, more on that later.) She, my mom, was helping me with my homework, math I believe it was. I wasn't focused on the homework as I was more focused on what my sister had said and done! She told. How could she?! I couldn't believe that my own sister had accused my mom and stepdad of abusing her, of abusing us all! I remember being so angry at her.

     My mom stopped and asked, "Are you okay, honey?" I paused worried about how I would answer this question... after a moment of silence, I finally responded...

    "Is it child abuse to show your kid pornography?"

    My mom paused for a second. Looking stunned, and utterly shocked! Then finally she said, "Yes. I believe it is child abuse to show your child pornography." After another pause, she asked, "Why are you asking me that?"

     In fear of what would happen and completely shocked by her answer I quietly and politely said, "I don't know, but I'm tired. Can we be done with homework?"

    She said yes and that was it. She gave me a hug, kissed me good-bye and our visit was over. I watched as she pulled away from my foster home. I walked up to my bedroom and sat quietly on my bunk bed. Not soon after that, I couldn't hold back anymore. I just screamed and started to bawl. My foster mom came up into the room in a panic asking me if I was okay. Asking me what was wrong.

    I couldn't answer her. I just sat their knees to my head and cried. I couldn't control myself I was angry, hurt, frustrated, and most of all I felt unloved and betrayed! My foster mom made me go down to the front room with her where we sat there in silence while she held me close telling me everything was going to be okay and to talk when I was ready.

    Once I was able to pull myself together and look at her I simply said, "My mom abused me just like my sister had said!"

     I remember feeling so stupid and dumb like it was my fault. I left my sister to look like a liar, my mom to look like my hero, and all along I was lying to everyone, even myself! I hated her. I hated me. I hated the world!

     Within a week I was no longer able to see my mom and was hit hard with questions, therapy, and a lot of grown-ups wanting to know IN DETAIL everything that had happened. It was completely and utterly humiliating, disturbing, and yet relieving at the same time! But that's when it all came out. The abuse, the incest, the pain, the struggle that had become my life at such a young age. It was no longer my secret or my sisters and brothers. It now belonged to everyone in my life! I was no longer hiding and it felt good!