I grew up being told that I would never amount to anything. That I was doom to a cycle of abuse. Because it happened to me that I was going to do it to my own kids, spouse, etc. And For a moment that was true. I did beat on my fiance. I spent time in jail for it. But I am forever grateful for that moment in time when I was arrested and taken away to jail. I cried. I was terrified that prison was in my future. I was too young to go to prison. I was only 18.
I was given a fine, had to do some rehab/alcoholic course due to being intoxicated when the officers arrived, and a 12-week intense anger management course. This course saved my life!! I knew that I had to change. I knew that I was angry and I never really dealt with the anger in foster care. Why? Because I was rebellious and being forced to talk about shit I wasn't ready to talk about pissed me off. So I held things back. There are things about my past that I have never told anyone and I still had anger built up by the secrets and abuse.
So I took the class and graduated! I was so proud of myself for that. Regardless of it being court ordered, I was an adult. I had to face my own shit. I could have ended up in prison for domestic violence. Or had more jail time for being drunk in public. I was grateful to the judge for getting me help instead of locking me away.
I learned so many great things in that class that I still use today. And with being a mom a lot of those things have really helped me to be a better mom I think. I fear that if I hadn't had that freak out crazy controlling psycho girlfriend moment I wouldn't be who I am today. I've always been so scared to love someone because I never wanted to be like my mom. I never wanted to hurt anyone the way she hurt me. Especially my kids.
Now that I have kids I live every day by a minute at a time. I have too. Kids are frustrating. They are hard and oh my god do they know how to push those tiny little covered in cobweb buttons you didn't even know you had. Who knew that coloring, swimming, or even going for a car ride could be a scream fest that makes you want to rip your hair out in complete rage! BUT with all this button pushing and scream fest shit that goes on with having kids.. you also get the fun-loving side. The side where they feed you fake cupcakes, bang wooden spoons on pans, draw a picture of the family with that silly sun in the corner of the page. Or the bubbles in the bathtub when they pretend they are Santa Clause. When they are sick and only want to snuggle. Those are the moments that make you smile. That warm your heart. Those are the moments that I hold on too.
I didn't have a lot of good memories growing up. Maybe because my parents didn't care enough about me to give me any but because of how I grew up and the way that I was raised I learned what not to do. I learned the signs of abuse and what can also trigger abuse. I do not fear myself as a parent anymore because I know that I have the tools needed, even in the hardest times, to overcome any emotion or urge and be the best mom I can be. I know that abuse runs in my family and I know that I have had anger problems in the past that could and have come up when dealing with my kids. But I am also strong enough and smart enough to know my signs, to know my triggers, and to know when it is time for me to take a break. I know when I have been pushed too far with my kids. And because I choose to not run from my past but instead deal with its long-term mental consequences I think that I am a better mom for it.
I love my kids with every ounce of my being even when they become little turd muffins. They are the light of my life. And I will always put my kids first and do whatever it takes to protect them from abuse. I will not let the cycle continue from my biological family into my kid's life. I survived the horror of my childhood. And I will kick ass at being a mother even when I screw up because let's face it. All parents do!
